On days like this..

I just don't know what to say or feel.

I'm still stuck on stupid.

empty

I hate waking up feeling empty. Why can't I get over this? Fuck, I should be happy that we're in contact again, but it's not the same. I feel this void when we talk & it fucking sucks. Its like talking to a ghost, I don't know a better way to put it. I'm so fuckin sad that I can't make myself laugh when we converse. I want to revamp myself for the new year, I mean, fuck.. My new year started off fucked up, what could i do to change it? something that i've been thinking about. Alright, I think I said that, just to feel better about myself. Who am I kidding!!! To be honest, I don't think I SHOULD change anything about myself. Because, I love myself too much to change for somebody else. My whole entire life, I've gone through break up, family drama, & friends who weren't my friends. & it has molded me, to this strong independent person, I am today. I gotta keep telling myself, It's not my fault, It's wasn't me but it was you. I came into this knowing what I was getting myself into & knowing what I wanted. Maybe, you just weren't ready. I should go on with my day like you never existed, but instead, I think about what you're doing & what are you thinking about. I should be moving on because I don't really need you. You came into my life when my life was great. I mean, if you left it'd be like we never really met. But realistically do you think I would erase you from my life? Your an amazing person who I thought I could see myself with, in the future.

There's a part of me that should be excited that he's coming home in a month, but for some odd reason, i'm not.

today was different.

Today I, Sipped on my coffee, drove to work feeling better. I honestly felt like God was answering my prayers and was telling me that things were brightening up. I texted my friend, saying " I'm better". Which I thought I was. I went through my day at work, feeling happy and chipper. When i turned my back against all who could see me, my smile turns into tears. I went throughout my day, accepting your decision. At the end of the day, I fought long and hard, and I felt as if, I lost the battle with myself, because I couldn't stop thinking about you. When things couldn't get any worse, you IM'd me...When I thought I was fine, you simply said "hey" and then the first tear drop came down my face.I didn't know what to say but "what's up". I flipped out and didn't know how to react. I couldn't play tough. I wanted to tell you how I was hurting. Because it could've been the last time that we would've spoke. There was so much that was said and i'm still left with questions.

There's something about this song that I could relate to."We can't be together, we're separated by distance and time. "

everything was left the same..

I replay our conversation over and over again, in my head. Thinking of what went wrong, Wondering if I caused it. But you said, no. it wasn't you... it's me.

I keep on waking up in the middle of the night missing you, and crying about it too. I was too afraid of sleeping with my laptop closed, hoping that you'd say something to me. I left everything the way it was, all I do now is stare at blank walls. If we were like flowers, pretty and lovely in the beginning and dead and lonely in the end, I don't think I want to love flowers ever again.

"I think the worst feeling in the whole world is loving someone with everything you have and knowing they don't feel the same. I wish this pain would go away it's hurting me more day by day. I know I have to stay strong but when you can't seem to get that person out of your head it's impossible to let them go and move on."

on heavy rotation...

How do I say goodbye to someone I never really had? Why do my tears fall so endlessly for someone who was never really mine? Why is it I miss someone I was never really with? And why do I love someone whose love was never really mine? If I hadn't met you, I wouldn't like you. If I hadn't liked you, I wouldn't love you. If I wouldn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do and I will. I only wished we met when your life wasn't so chaotic. The only thing I could do now is be friends and in hope, later on in the future, we could start over again and start all of our adventures. So I'm gonna let you do you & with my promise being kept, I wanna make you smile everyday, even though you're not mines.

The hardest part of dreaming about someone you really liked, is having to wake up with tears falling endlessly with disbelief. Here goes another song on heavy rotation.

only hope...

Is this the end?
Why does it feel
like we'd only just begun?
I thought we were done.

I think I'll hang on
if you still want me,
but if you don't
I guess I'll move on.

But if you need me,
close your eyes and dream.
I'll give you back your key.
Will you be happy?

Said we'll leave it alone,
but I'll be here long.
And when I'm gone
I guess then we'll know.

I think I'll hang on
if you still want me,
but if you don't
I guess I'll move on.

I guess I'll move on,
I guess I'll move on.

GOOODBYE 2009!

a lot of useless drama has happened, now it's time to put it aside of me & look forward to 2010.